And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
