What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
