Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
