Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
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