take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
