Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
