i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
