next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
