i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
