I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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