I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
