Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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