genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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