Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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