I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
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