I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
