I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
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