I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
