the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
