Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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