Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
and she was petting her beer can
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Randomize
