if only i could text you this smell
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
