You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
