what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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