the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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