Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
