I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize