That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize