The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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