Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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