I wish my penis had an off switch
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
