I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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