i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
