she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
