Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
