if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize
