Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
