Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
