My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
