you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
