so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
