her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Randomize
