Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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