My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Randomize
