It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
