Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
