those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
