Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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