So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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