i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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