weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
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