so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
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