Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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