who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
