Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
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