we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
