Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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