i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
