I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
