My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
