uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
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